Just to give you a sense of things to come, have a look at the following wild surge table produced by the infamous Lothlorien Van Ness, my (amazing) wife. Whenever childhood toy memes, deadly and cuddly anthropomorphic cartoon characters, or something out of Dr. Seuss arrives in a D&D session I’m DMing, usually they stem from a wild magic table Lothlorien wrote. In our particular house-ruled version of wild magic and wild mages, when a spell “surges” we roll on our extensive library of wild magic tables; the “intended spell” usually happens unless the text of the wild surge says otherwise…
Lothlorien’s Wild Surge Table III [roll d10]
01: The intended spell goes off normally. However, the caster suddenly believes he or she is being followed by “super secret ninja spies.” There is a d100% chance that these spies are real (in some way), but even if they are they will be incredibly hard to detect. The motivation of these spies is one of the following: [roll d12]…[1] assassination, [2] to “save” the caster and return him or her to her rightful place, [3] theatrical reenactment, [4] to award the caster with a 20,000 gp check, “Ed McMahon style”, [5] to return the caster’s lost sheep, [6] to arrest the caster for crimes against animals, [7] to arrest the caster for using wild magic, [8] to inject the caster with an anti-paranoia drug, [9] to paddle the caster with a wooden spoon, [10] to learn the arts of wild magic covertly, [11] they believe the caster is telepathically contacting them, [12] because the caster is infested with a parasitic colony of “royal creatures” that need to be returned to their Ninja school.
02: Intended spell fails as the energy instead generates a summoning. Appearing within d6 rounds, in a DM-determined location within d100m of the intended spell’s center, is an anthropomorphic snowman (essentially a “snow elemental”): The snowman’s alignment shifts as it physically touches non-ground, material objects that have been worked by sentient beings: its alignment becomes that of the object’s former owner. The snowman is immune to all physical attacks except: boiling water, fire, and the intended spell. The snowman can be made eternally good if someone of neutral or good alignment makes him a heart made of ice and shoves it into his chest. The snow man has whatever game statistics the DM feels are appropriate, but should have a CR of at least +d4 over that of the wild mage.
03: Intended spell goes off. Appearing within 10’ of the wild mage is a magical door. Everyone viewing the door sees it according to their own aesthetic preferences as a slightly macabre yet artistic door. The door can be opened regularly – beyond which is a blinding blue light. It opens by itself after d4 rounds. Anyone leaping into the blue light is planeshifted to a parallel earth – San Francisco 1974. At the time the door opens by itself Jim Morrison projects out of the door and asks, in the primary language of the wild mage, “have you got the time?” If anyone answers “yes” they are double hasted (as the spell, double effects) for d20 rounds, during this time they perceive the world as having slowed down considerably. They must answer yes immediately. If anyone engages Mr. Morrison in conversation, he responds in the manner of a mysterious “djini-trickster,” able to create magical effects to match the tone of the conversation. If threatened he jumps down a rabbit hole and vanishes and is thereby immune to all attacks.
04: Intended spell fails. For the next d12 rounds whenever the caster opens his or her mouth to speak, angry bees swarm out of their mouth, attacking as a swarm, moving away from the caster’s body yet attacking random targets. The caster has no advance warning of the effects of this surge, so the bees might well be a nasty surprise. The bees have one of the following immunities: [roll d12]: [1] fire, [2] cold, [3] magic, [4] non-magical weapons, [5] magical weapons, [6] fear, [7] elemental water spells, [8] amphibians, [9] magical spells, [10] sonic attack, [11] evocations, [12] the wild mage’s spells and attacks.
05: Intended spell functions normally. However, 4 random anthropomorphic monsters dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appear and demand “pizza” in an intelligible language. If they are not fed, they go on an all out killing spree rampage with no regard for sentient life, starting with those who will not feed them. They know how to use their ninja weapons. If they are fed (referring to any food as “pizza”), they instead attempt to ally with the party until someone in the party utters the words “dude,” “narly,” “cowabunga,” “turbuloso,” “radical,” (etc.) at which time they act dejected for a few moments before…[roll d10]…[1] they simply fade away, [2] they explode, [3] they turn into the real ninja turtles, [4] they transmute into action figures, [5] as some other entry on this chart: the character uttering the trigger word now speaks like Michaelangelo the turtle forevermore, [6] a manhole cover appears on the ground, leading to another area which the turtles now enter, [7] they remove their costumes and stomp off, [8] they remove their costumes and act normally, [9] they immediately die, [10] they sprout wings and fly away.
06: Intended spell functions normally. For the next d100 rounds anyone within a 20’ radius of the caster (including the caster) can only communicate by singing bad opera (in character), unless they succeed in a DC 12 + [wild mage’s effective level] will save.
07: Intended spell fails d100% chance. In a radius of d100 feet of the intended spell center a cute puppy dog appears. It attempts to adopt the caster as its master. While the dog is unusually brave and intelligent, it is but a normal dog.
08: Intended spell temporarily fails, materializing into a heap of painted wooden puzzle pieces. The wild mage is aware that once the pieces are assembled, the intended spell will go off. It takes d12 successful DC 13 intelligence checks to assemble the puzzle, with d4 attempts per round being allowed. If no intelligence checks are missed, the spell goes off at 200% power.
09: Intended spell goes off as the caster is covered in head-to-toe body art: tattoos, piercings, etc., taking 1d4 points of damage per intended spell level in the process. If the wild mage’s charisma is 14 or higher, this effect raises their comeliness score by d4 points. Otherwise, it lowers it by as many.
10: Intended spell goes off as planned. All characters within a d10 yard radius of the intended spell center loose all hair on their body forever as it transmutes to Argon gas.
